Creepy Fears And A Reckoning

I just had a “family meeting” last night with the kids. A laying down the law, coming-to-Jesus sort of meeting   (a firm, lecturing, no nonsense dressing down, comparable a Fire and Brimstone revival meeting).  After listening to me talk for 15 minutes or so, I asked them,

“Are we clear? Do you understand? Have any questions?”

Son: “So basically the last 14 and 15 years are gone and a new era is beginning?”

Um, Yeah!! 😉

After he left the kitchen and its just me and the littlest talking about some strategies for being more responsible and productive, she glances down, goes white as a sheet and screams,


Instinctively, I calmly and with the “Mom voice” say,

“Look at me and breathe…no, do NOT hyperventilate! LOOK AT ME!! In through the nose…out through the mouth…WHAT is the matter with you?!”

She points down to the floor speechlessly and there is a spider creeping along the baseboard next to the tile in the kitchen. (:O Remember now, this is the same kid who produced this!

In her defense, this was a larger than average spider (maybe a half-dollar sized one? A tad more? I dunno)

Grabbing the newspaper still wrapped in plastic, I walk over to it and “THWUNK!” It is no longer an issue.

“Its just a spider, sweetie – you are 1000 times bigger than it and it was obviously lost.”

Her eyes were bright with a couple of unshed tears and her pupils were dilated until they looked black,


“Spiders don’t have social networks – you’re starting to hyperventilate again! breathe!” I said in my most soothing, calm, commanding voice.

“But what if it had BABIES??”

Pointing to the paper on the floor covering the carcass, I reminded her,

“THAT one isn’t going to have babies or do anything fun or social…its little spider spirit has moved on to a better place…”

OMG! You mean there might be spiders in heaven!?”

“No honey, I don’t think there will be in YOUR heaven…I think your heaven will be whatever you expect it to be … and that would be spiderless,” I reasoned.

Well,” she said after thinking some more on it, “I want to live where there aren’t any spiders… you know, like Canada.”

Mustering up my serious face, I burst that bubble:

“Canada has spiders too. There isn’t really anywhere on Earth that doesn’t so you may as well make peace with that fact and come up with a plan as to how to deal. Personally, I hate spiders too.”

That got her wheels turning!

“How do you kill them then?! I keep thinking about all the ‘what ifs’…”

“Ok, you need to stop that RIGHT NOW! The ‘what ifs’ will make you crazy and they definitely don’t help. You get lost in the future and that isn’t right now! You need to deal with the reality right in front of you – and right now, right in front of you is a DEAD, non-threatening spider that is going to go away while you look the other way… are you looking the other way? ‘cuz I’m going to dispose of the body now.”

Reckoning. Opportunities. Lessons. Fears. Eternity. Laughter. Love.

And some vicious spider-killing to boot!!

My work here is done.




One Response

  1. Brilliant!

    Hil AIR rious! 😉

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