Insidiousness

I think I’m going to add another page (tab at the top) titled “Trudging the happy road – past posts” and post things from past forums and sobriety groups.

Until I figure out how to make that happen though, here’s one from 2 1/2 years ago!

Peace,

~me

From Past Topics on Friends of Bill W’s

Nov 11, 2005:

(in reply to a topic a friend brought up)

“It doesnt sound as though you REALLY have any questions regarding such a “friend” and that you do, in fact, KNOW the answer…
Its the insidiousness of the disease
and the entrenched doubts and fears that will almost imperceptibly redirect one into another way of living all together.

For me personally, I have always had doubts and fears.
I realize that makes me just like every other breathing person on the planet, nothing special.

But..I also have a disease that lies to me and tells me I am “ok”.
It doesnt shout…it whispers.
It doesnt demand, it persuades.

It rationalizes by finding ways to justify things which keep the disease alive and well, and ultimately, it feeds on those fears and doubts.

When I am doing what I should be doing

….going to meetings…realizing I am not HP… talking with other alcoholics every day…calling my sponsor… reading the BigBook and/or other literature designed to keep my thoughts turned towards recovery…
meeting my basic needs and keeping anger and isolation at bay…
then my fears and doubts are held up to the light of day and lose thier power.

But when I don’t get enough sleep or forget to eat…
I don’t pray and start to manage…
I don’t talk with other alcoholics…
or read the literature…
or call my sponsor…
or simply put,
I ignore the red flags I have learned are dangerous for me,
then I isolate myself from the things that keep those those doubts and fears at bay.
And those doubts and fears whisper things to me that justify my actions…
They convince me that I dont have time for a meeting or
that I don’t need to work steps..

everything is fine or… I have support in my (substitute any group here…church, school, work, neighborhood) and my new friends there

or I have (substitute any amount of sobriety time) now, so I don’t need that many meetings anymore…

My fears and doubts have a party with the disease!
I become afraid to admit I am not doing well..(ego)
I become afraid to show up because I feel guilt for not “doing the deal”
I quit calling my sponsor because I know she will tell me to do what I know I am not doing,
I become ashamed, but lie to myself and tell myself I am justified,
I begin telling myself that I can do it w/o AA, an as a result, I may possibly begin to doubt whether I really ever was an alcoholic.

Each thing you listed for your “friend” is a red flag for me..
and all it takes is one red flag for me to recognize the potential danger to my recovery.

The first step is admiting that there is something not right…
opening the door and letting the light fall on whatever is trying to thrive in the darkness.

SO…
HYPOTHETICALLY..
thanks for opening the door! (“Let the sunshine in…”)
Hopefully the resulting light will show anything trying to grow in the darkness, feeding the disease,

BEFORE it has a chance to win.”

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3 Responses

  1. brilliant, very apt piece for me to have read right now. thanks!

  2. like attracts like… i should have known you were in recovery…

  3. Is that a version of the secret handshake of those of us who Trudge the Happy Road together?
    😉

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