This is how you remind me….


… of what I really am! 🙂

No seriously. Sometimes in my past meanderings and struggles, I find a certain clarity…I’m assuming it has to be that hindsight is 20/20.

Today I was talking with someone about hope. They said, “…have you ever been in a situation where you just couldn’t find any hope? When no matter how hard you tried to think or pray or talk or write, you just couldn’t see your way out?”

FLASHBACK!

Yes. I knew. I could instantly recall the feeling of freefall…of having nothing solid under my feet. Of having everything around me take on a plastic feel because all of the sudden I wasn’t sure whether anything was what I thought it was. Looking for solid ground, something SURE that was tangible enough to get me over the hump, because there was ONE thing I knew – my Creator had never abandoned me, even in my darkest hours and that no matter how it SEEMED right now, change is never static, constantly moving me forward.

Several Time-Dividing moments came to mind – you know, events that happen that divide your life into “before and after”? I went directly back to a date that I KNEW I had poured my heart and soul onto the screen in a plea for perspective and experience. Taking the chance of asking for help, because everything that I knew to try was failing me and I didn’t want to fall back into that black hole that was both familiar and frightening. Here was a chance to give back what was given to me.

I could hear myself so clearly. ‘Tell me I’m not alone. Tell me I’m not crazy. Tell me it gets better. Tell me how you got through’. Reminding myself comes in many forms and in many faces. Today was another one and so I thought it would be a good day to post a memory from the pages of my past.

Peace,

~me

Monday, December 06, 2004

Acceptance

Listening to: FACES ((Greenwheel))<<-LISTEN TO IT
This weekend all my plans to blog were blighted (ha).
The arrival of my eldest and my spouse for the weekend took precedent over any selfish
wants for the weekend.
We had a good time. Very relaxed.Very fun. Very cozy.
Playing Scrabble (badly, on my part) by the light of the Christmas tree and roaring fire highlighted what ultimately was a good weekend.
Then Monday happened.
Now I am posting the same thing here as I’m posting on a Google Group website.
I’m still reeling from the suddeness of change from today.
From disillusionment.
From recognizing that sometimes, you can’t say or do anything to change someone’s perception of the reality that they have constructed, no matter how hard you try.
So here are my thoughts, mostly:
“I understand there are things I cannot change.
Forces of nature (Mary is NOT included in this category).
Laws of physics.
People’s attitude.
People’s actions.
People’s reactions.
Their perceptions.
What they think.
How they think.
WHY they think.
It’s all between them and their creator, not to be muddied by these hands of mine.
There are those things that I can change.
My perceptions.
My actions.
My reactions.
My attitudes.
How I think.
What I think.
What I do with any given situation or thing that the Creator deems me able to handle.
Its the wisdom to know the difference.
The ability to say its not in my hands.
To know that I have done what I could and the outcome is not in my range of abilities.
AND to have the faith that all is as it should be in the world,
according to the grand plan that I,
from my disavantaged veiwpoint, can’t see.
I am having a difficult time getting beyond the hurt that life can, and has hurled at me.
I find it hard to NOT ASSUME anything
and to Not take things personally
particularly when it feels as though I have been singled out.
I find it difficult to not get emotionally tangled
in other’s perception of reality when it affects me in a direct and painful way.
So please…
remind me again of how to accept things as they come
regardless of what “appears to be” so.
Remind me that all things have a season
-life is not always how it seems
and that even the most beautiful, pristine ice crystals
have a deadly edge to them that with enough momentum can cut deeply.
Tell me how time heals all wounds
and changes our perception to 20/20 hindsight,
revealing the destiny carried in each and every situation-no matter how baffling.
Convince me again that ultimately,
the big picture is not in my sight
and that the creator has an unlimited and unbiased veiw of the flow of life;
all I have to do is cease fighting and go with the flow of it.
Help me to trust in the better nature of people,
as it is my own nature to do,
and to remember some of the aspects of hope,
like I posted on my blog last week
(I never saw the prophetic wisdom was going to be mine to lean on):
“…Hope is such a marvelous thing. It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides, but rarely does it break. It sustains us when nothing else can.It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead, when we tell ourselves we’d rather give in.Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage.Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it,and it can bring light into the darkest of places.Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction.Hope is something to be cherished and nurtured. Don’t let FEAR be the death of your heart, the ruler of your FATE, the destroyer of your DREAMS…”
So I am asking you for a bit of something back.
I need your input.
Your experience, strength, and hope.
Your assurance.
I don’t ask for these things lightly.
I am not comfortable asking anyone for anything, really.
But I am at the limit
of my limited understanding
and realize that ya’ll, as a group, have the power that I, alone, cannot see.
I feel as though I were in a house of mirrors,
trying to find the real reflection
looking into the distorted reflection of myself in the eyes of those around me.

Remind me again that this too shall pass…
that nothing I say or do can ultimately change those around me…
and that acceptance to the powerlessness and unmanagablility are vital to me now.
Tell me soon.
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One Response

  1. wonderful writing, wonderful insight, excellent advice… that 20/20 hindsight, need to remember that, ’cause i know it happens time and time again. to just not get stuck in the mud while you’re wading through it, that’s where hope comes in.

    have a great weekend!!!

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