Contemplations

I wrote this a couple of years ago and I found it very important on my way to becoming who I was versus who I was meant to be. Yes, I found some answers and not all were what I expected. I feel I will always be gauging who I am and what good has come from my being here on this Earth. I hope that there will always be more weight on the good side of what my presence has contributed, than on the what I have taken from the world. And I hope that by taking inventory, I can always leave some questions I have forever a fill-in-the-blank, leaving room for me to be all that my Creator would have me be. 🙂

Today is a very contemplative day.

There is enough greyness in the sky to cause me a few extra moments for some meditations and contemplations.
You know the kind:
“where am I in life?”…
‘am i moving forward or standing still?’…
‘what are my motivational goals?’…
‘am I doing what makes me happy or am I still providing everyone else with the me they want to see?’…
‘when I make the choice to show the me the world wants to see, what are my motivations?
Keeping the peace?
Fear of rejection?
Fear of the unknown?
Being kind by first doing no harm?
Selflessly giving or selfishly hiding?’
What I DO know is I don’t seem to have gotten to the answers yet.
If there are answers to be found.

And if there are, do I really want to hear them?
Will I want to runaway from the truth I think I want to hear?
The bottom line, largest questions looming at the back of my mind and the pit of my stomach are these:

* do I accept the isolation that can come from being true to myself

at the expense of acceptance by the collective others for being who they want me to be?
* am I secure enough to NOT care what others think about who I am?
* do I need the security of acceptance, even if it means sacrificing that person I am on the inside?
* which pain is worse – the pain of knowing that I am living by hiding behind other’s expectations of me
or of stepping past those expectations into the harsh light of other’s judgements against me?
* and finally, am I living each day,each hour, each moment to the fullest? in accordance with some pain which is required to grow to who I am fully meant to be, according to my life’s ultimate plan?
Because outside of that, the moments slip by and I cannot get them back again….
And in ALL things, I seem to find varying soul’s fingerprints
in the myriad of beautiful ways they have changed my life’s direction and scope
I have been infused with a light that I can’t extinguish even if I tried
…which I am NOT
Peace,
~me

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One Response

  1. some deep questions those, very apt though. worth thinking about… me too…

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