Isolated Dreams

Old dream journal entry.

I rarely have vividly remembered dreams…even rarer still are nightmares. But like the epiphanies and joy-filled moments, some experiences that conjure up the darker emotions that exist are just as emotionally charged and vital to fully living life out loud. Their polarity expand my range of being, if that makes sense. I find just as much LIFE in profound grief-filled moments of my life as I do the ones that are so pure that time seems to stop for that fraction of a moment. So this particular entry made an indelible imprint on my soul, subtly changing me in the hours before sunrise.

I am in awe of just how cool life can be! 

Peace,

~me

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I awoke with a start last night

The illuminated numbers on my clock said 3:45am

Completely awake.

Gradually becoming conscious of a dampness to the pillow that my head lay on

Tears I had shed interwoven with my hair…

As I gulped for air, my heart seemingly in my throat

 

I concentrated on slowing the pounding in my chest

Reaching for that moment just before I surfaced

From a restless and dream-filled sleep

What was it ?! What thought, what subconscious wanderings

Had rendered me this shaken, such unfathomable pain,

A deep, abysmal pain, familiar, as I have not felt in forever ago?

God! Help me remember…

Mercifully answering that prayer, I slipped back into that dream world

Peering into it on the other side of slumber , I saw through a glass wall

Everyone was on the inside…laughing, talking, sharing …

Apart from me – stripped from my life, leaving a gaping hole

That ached every time I reach out for the comfort that was there

I could see them, hear them, feel the connectivity and bonds

but in the knowledge that whatever they were sharing

was beyond the borders of the realm I was existing in as I watched…

Recognition of something familiar, I had yesterday been a part of

Now apart from

Loneliness, isolation, grief, sorrow,

Pain apparently beyond what I wanted to bear, even in my subconscious

Because they were a part of my world, a waking constant that once was, now

Vanished, gone in this life

But looked forward to in the next

The space between which is my penance to bear

Essential Loss

“Essential Loss” (graphite on paper 2006) ©L²B

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3 Responses

  1. i live by my dreams, if you know what i mean. i don’t know if it’s fortunate or unfortunate, but my dreams tend to warn me of stuff, some part in them comes true. it’s happened time and time again. scares me sometimes, love it at other times…

  2. I understand and get that! Though fortunately not all of them are that way, there have been many times that my dreams touched on something that hadn’t happened yet, or sometimes very specifically some scene that would play itself out in my life in the days following the dream. Yes, it IS somewhat scary, but this one was *hopefully* not one of those…

  3. Boy, I haven’t dreampt in a very long time. I wonder what that means, if anything. I miss it for sure.

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