Head Games

I found this entry recently. Its not nearly as pertinent today as it was when it was written. It was one of those themes I talk about that played out in my life; one of those EPIPHANIES. 🙂 The concept that I had to learn was to quit assuming. Not long after I wrote it, I found myself listening to an audio version of The Four Agreements and this quote sums up the lesson nicely:

There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.

Gaia Child

I wish I could say that I learned the lesson, checked it off as an item in my Learning Curve of Life list, and it became ingrained in me. *Ahem.* Unfortunately, that would be just a tad dishonest. I need the same reminders today that I did then, just not as often. Sometimes these days I catch myself feeling the disquiet of being in disharmony with those around me, mentally stop and ask myself why. Usually I find myself assuming again. So reading this is a reminder of what kind of games my head can play with me, if I let it.

Peace,

~me

If you could somehow see

how it feels to be inside my skin…

Would you laugh at my absurdities?

If you were part of me from the inside out,

you would feel the self-inflicted crap doled out by my mind

As it processes everything that you say

and all that you do

through a filter of expectations

it deludes itself with by dubbing them “hopes” or “wishes”?

 

Nothing wrong with hoping or wishing of course

unless you live in this skin where those unconscious expectations

transform ordinary interactions into catastrophizing…

by simply taking them personally.

 

…unresponsively…absentmindedly…impatiently…

cooly…abruptly…yet never intentionally or maliciously.

Distance…space…both tangible and felt.

Its so difficult to remain cognizant of the reality

that sometimes?

its really Not about me!

Its NOT personal

And without consciously remembering these principles?

I feel held at arms length,

connections sporadic and never certain

I find often I am left to my own assumptions to fill in the blanks

(Never a good thing.)

But the INTANGIBLES…GOD!

now THOSE are the ones that will kick my ass!

A message left or mail sent, with no reply…

A long stretch of time silently going by…

Aloofness and distance when in proximity…

Enthusiasm tamped down with half measured smiles…

Impatience perceived and half-hearted replies.

ALL these things leave themselves open to interpretations

Interpretations that I filter through the eyes that instinctively look inward

And wonder what it is that I have done…

Did I forget to do something?

Was it something I said?

Did I ask for more than can be given?

Pushed instead of held steady?

Did I lean into, when I should have sheltered?

 

And above all else, responding to these doubts that plague me

Can it be made right? Or, if not, can I learn from mistakes?

Words, looks, touches, tones, inflections, body movements,

or LACK OF any of the above

Is perceived, acknowledged and made real,

then processed down

until all that remains are

uncertainty and self doubt

varying in degrees of intensity

 

A fear of loss – perceived & felt exponentially as a dull ache

pain of space existing between me & the rest of the world,

a coldness that hints at being left out and exposed

and the isolation that is felt when left behind

AND THE BITCH OF IT IS ALL of it….

Every single bit

Is what my mind creates and manufactures

in the void of silence

outside my own little world

when I am left with little to base my reality off of

 

The worse thing you can ever do to me?

whether intended or not?

Is your walls…your preoccupations…

your inadvertent silences…

Lead me back into the labyrinth…

Head Games. 

 1000 Forms of Fear

 

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2 Responses

  1. shoo, i kept on finding my own thinking in what you wrote. to knock that ‘it’s not all about me’ out of my head once and for all would be simply WONDERFUL…..

  2. Wouldn’t it though? Sigh…maybe one day 😉
    Until that day I’ve found that if I admit my head plays these games – shine a light into the corners of doubts or fears & say it out loud to somebody- and simply ask for some insight, it relieves my mind.
    Then do something for someone else and get out of ME.

    Amazing in its simplicity, isn’t it? 😀

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