Hindsight

(After my grandmother passed away.)

Time is supposed to ‘heal all’. I know that it does.

Does that mean that I’m not supposed to feel? Is the oppositional component to that sentiment that ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’?

How is it that both can occupy the same space and the same place within my soul? One of life’s little ironies?

I think that as time heals the hurt that giving part of myself brings about, I can remember with fondness the gifts….the memories…the laughter…the sharing…the individual moments of stillness that were real.

More real in their scarcity than the hundreds of things that came before them.

And so as my soul bears the weight of that pain of loss, it strengthens the resolve within the bond that unites.

It grows … in strength, in love, in fondness.

Although time and distance may prevail over the realities of the present, they conversely bring about clarity, focus and empowerment to the very things that seek to become faded and weaker.

So as time heals the wounds, the distance builds up the strength of the love and the gifts that it bestowed upon this changed soul.

The winds of time blow freely through the hole left in my life,

but the experience!

Would I be able to hear the song played out in the whistling through that gap without having had it all?


It seems to me that the sum of all the parts become interdependent on one another:

~the pain of  freely giving … gave way to the awe-inspiring awakening to life … created an appreciation of everything that was a gift of that journey … became a profound void as it was abruptly severed from my life … causing an indescribable pain and tenderness where my soul was left open … which with time became easier to bear in its intensity … and led to an awareness

of the songs sung by the winds of life allowed to whistle through that hole …

making me sing the bittersweet melody it composed, my head thrown back, arms stretched wide, and smiling at the complexities of such a simple exercise in love.

Would I have traded a single second? Nope. Not even.


Can I see what good was wrought in this little life? Yep. Completely.

Hindsight.

You gotta love it!

 

 

 

 

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3 Responses

  1. Yeah, hindsight. ugh.

  2. Makes me wonder…”where did this come from?”

  3. From March 2005 silly! 🙂

    It came from a period of MANY changes, many losses – most with an 3 month period…I think it was around a month after burying my favorite grandmother, the sudden loss of a job days before Christmas, loss of good friends, and the subsequent struggle to pull out of a pervasive black depression (hmm..can’t imagine WHY I would’ve been depressed!)
    I wrote it while coming to terms with all that had happened. As my perspective changed from being overwhelmed and in the middle of it, to hindsight and looking for the good – reasons to be grateful.
    I cannot imagine having to go through life’s pitstops without coming away better for the experience! I mean, what would be the point, ya know?

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