Negativity Eclipsed

Mostly, my thoughts right now seem …

well, slanted more towards negativity.

And really? Why would I inflict that upon those that I wish to remain by my side?

Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose, really?

Seems as though I am rapidly approaching the melt down point in alot of areas in my life.

It scares the hell out of me!

Leaves me retreating backwards – only I find that like Alice,

I no longer fit.

So I am left virtually exposed and vulnerable to a breech in my pseudo-armor and feel myself pulling inward,

coiled and spring-loaded, waiting for the first initiative

And I know that it isn’t a happy place to be,

all full of fear and trepidation.

I know this, but I can’t seem to bring myself out of it.

It whispers into my head murmurings of doubt when my thoughts turn towards the sunnier, bright things in life.

It feeds off of the seeds planted there years ago,

lifetimes ago…

attempting to undermine any positive changes that have begun or positive placements that have intervened in my world

And I know from experiences of my own

that no matter how positive and life-giving,

even the most resolved person can be worn down

by a constant barrage of negativity

until surrender is cried and all efforts otherwise are abandoned

I once worked with a girl

who found every negative aspect in every situation

day after day after day I would point out the positives…

bring into the light all the good outcomes…

provide examples of the good that had come from sometimes bad occurrences

yet she never heard any of it.

It fell on deaf ears.

So blinded by her negativity and complaints about the unfairness of everything,

she couldn’t see anything at all except that darkness

And I came to dread going to work…

And eventually

I began to sort of see what she meant

And yes, I could understand

the hopelessness of it all, once she showed me

I quit that job

Couldn’t hack it anymore

Too much pain involved in all that dark murkiness on the bottom of life

And what, or perhaps, WHY, you may be asking yourself,

am I bringing all of this up?

Because I don’t want to be that person.

I can see how easy it would be

to slip into the skin of that discontent

And how it puts even the most loving and loyal people off

until they shake their heads and walk away

So I try and exorcise it from me…expel the poisons

But do it so that no one person ever receives

the full brunt of it all

So that its dispersed across many, many different parts of my life,

in as many different venues as I can dream up

I will write about it

I will draw it

I will try and capture it

And draw it out of me

Without harming or burdening the people that I love and want with me

So that all those bright things

Can get through

Its so important to me!

Because worse than having all that inside

Is having all that inside

and being alone with it

So yeah

The season of my discontent is something

that I don’t share often…

never with just one person,

or if I do give them a glimpse into it,

I don’t continue to bring it up,

battering the person with it until to survive they have to walk away

 

 

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3 Responses

  1. Hmmm. I am that negative person but it usually passes. I reckon I need to learn how to keep it inside of me and not spread it to others when I am in that mood. I am deeply sorry if I have spread my negativity, lately, to others. I do hate being alone in that crap and need to write it out sometimes, to get it out, but I suppose that is what a long-hand written private journal is for, I’ll try to be aware of this more often on my own blog and be happy from now on. Thanks.

  2. looks like it’s not between me and the fencepost….

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